I love Janet; I would do anything for her. I first met her during my college days back in ’75. She sat in front of me in my statistics class. She had a slim figure, long honey brown hair, caramel skin complexion, dimples on both sides of her face that showed especially well when she smiled, and big light brown almond shape eyes. She was beautiful. I couldn’t stand her. She always had the answer to whatever problem we had in class, she was always alone and closed herself off from everyone, and would always stare at me until I made eye contact with her. She’s weird I thought. But it wasn’t until we were paired to work on problems together that I realized she wasn’t prissy, just really shy with a fun and funny personality.
We started doing our homework together that lead into exchanging phone numbers and spending time together outside of classes. I made her my girlfriend in ’76 and we became engaged in ’79.
“Don’t do it,” my grandma pulled me aside one day. “You know the daddy white? Can’t trust no white people, even if the girl is mixed with black.”
I knew my grandma meant well, but I couldn’t let her views of white people stop me from marrying the woman I loved. What almost did, however, were our different religious views. I was a Christian brought up in a southern Baptist church and Janet was a free spirit who didn’t believe anything. I hoped to change her. It wasn’t until two weeks before the wedding that I realized I would never be able to do that; but my love for her was stronger. And I knew she loved me, too. Janet became Mrs. Davidson June 14, 1980. We lived a long a happy life with our beautiful twins Clark and Kennedy, until she left this earth the summer of 2009.
Fifty-four is too young to die, but it didn’t matter if she was fifty-four, ninety-eight, or two hundred. A part of me left with her. Most of me left with her. I was angry, furious with God! How could he take away my main reason to live? And without a reason why either, the doctors didn’t find any sickness or diseases. At least I still had my other reason to live, my kids, to help get me through the day of the funeral and the following years without her. It wasn’t easy. I became depressed and started becoming paranoid, calling out to Janet at random times of the day. Sometimes in full conversation because she’d answer back. Since the twins couldn’t hear their parents talking to each other whenever they came to visit me, Kennedy insisted I come live with her and her family and even have my own personal nurse who’d come visit me every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
She said I was making progress as time went on, thanks to my concerned kids and them helping me keep my faith in God; however, I became diagnosed with a brain tumor around August 2015. At first I was angry again with God because he was trying to take me away from my family, but then I thought maybe this was his way of letting me become reunited with Janet again! What if we were both destined for heaven? I knew it was far-fetched at the time but if there was any possibility to see my wife again I’d believe it. So October 31, 2015, time after the tumor spread and I’ve been in the hospital for a few months, I believed this to be God finally putting me out of my misery. All of my family was there: my kids and their spouses, grandkids, my sisters and brother, and my close friend who was like a brother, Brad. It was hard to say goodbye to them all both physically and emotionally, especially with Kennedy and Clark looking down at me with their big puppy eyes filled with tears. Those same big eyes that looked up at me crying right after their birth. “I’ll…see you again” I struggled to get those words out to them. And then the room started to become faint. I heard what sounded like the whistling of a train in the distance. It grew louder and louder the closer it came; and not passing by the hospital but coming straight towards the room!
The ground began to shake tremendously with the surrounding walls and my bed vibrating rapidly. The train finally came to a halt in my room. The front train light was blinding me to see anything or anyone in the room. A tall gentleman stepped out of the train. I couldn’t see him due to the bright light, but his outlined figure looked that of a conductor. The hat probably gave it away. He signaled with his hand for me to come aboard the train. “The train is here. He wants me to c-climb aboard.” Those were my last words to them as I continued to stare at the tall gentleman signaling me. As I got up and walked to board the train, all I heard was the sustained one-note sound of the machine I was hooked up to along with the sobs of everyone in the room and doctors rushing in. But with each step I walked toward the train, the pain in my body left little by little. It felt good to smile again. As I sat down in my seat the train took off into the darkest of tunnels. I was not able to see myself at all, let alone anything around me. It was a bit scary, but it was worth going through to possibly see my wife on the other side.
After what seemed like an hour or two going through this tunnel, I was struck by a bright white light bursting through the train windows. It happened so instantly I immediately shut my eyes tight; but once my eyes adjusted to the light, a minute later I opened them and looked out the window. The clearest of blue skies right in my face; puffy, white clouds, one overlapping the next of which the bottom of the train touches; and straight ahead the infamous pearly gates. I couldn’t even begin to fathom where I was and what was going to happen to me once I left the train. They stretched high in the sky, past heaven, with a solid gold trimming, and a cross right in the middle of the gate where it opened. Just looking at the outside of heaven was something the movies could never fully describe. The train stopped abruptly about 10 feet from the gate and the conductor came in to open the door. As I stood up and looked around to see I was the only one on the train, I proceeded to the door to get out.
I took one step out the train any onto the clouds that met my feet; so soft to walk on I thought. I met the conductor on the outside to where I could see his full body in blue uniform and welcoming smile, but his oversized hat covered his eyes. He tipped his hat to me and gestured with an arm at the pearly gates. Just as I took a few steps forward and looked back the train was gone. I continued to the gate where I saw a man dressed in all-white cloths, similar to what angels are portrayed wearing and stood in front of the closed gate with a gigantic brown leather book set on a clear podium. From how the stories go, I assumed this man to be St. Peter.
By the time I got to the gate I looked up and noticed it now looked five times taller than me, and I’m already 6’3”. “Name?” I heard the stern voice of the man in front of me say. I quickly looked down from the gate and answered immediately, “Oh, uh Nate. Nathaniel Israel Davidson.” I waited patiently yet anxiously as St. Peter aggressively scanned and flipped through the huge, thin pages while squinting for my name through his glasses. It took a good tedious two minutes that felt like ten. I started to get nervous and have doubts in myself, but he finally looked to me with a warm smile saying “Ah yes Mr. Davidson, right through here.” A deep sigh of relief left my body as I smiled back at St. Peter. As the two gate doors slowly opened with the wind pushing me and the clouds from underneath in a contrasting motion, I took a deep breath and proceeded into eternity.
Speechless. I took only three steps into heaven and stumbled upon the beauty that was before me. The clouds I was previously walking on eventually became streets of gold. Pure, smooth, shiny gold. And there were beautiful, huge mansions everywhere. And bold rich colors on just about everything. No, I couldn’t get distracted. I needed to see Janet. I began to walk through heaven looking for her. I walked past the people – happy, joyous, would walk, skip, and run. A heavenly chorus to my right filled with hundreds of people and angels were singing God’s praise. Children were playing in the yards and streets, angels flying high in the sky. None of them were Janet.
My pace rapidly increased to match the anxiousness I had to see her again. I was not even paying attention to where I was going as I was still looking around at the same time. At that time I realized I was running. I looked down to realized my shadow suddenly disappeared. Was it raining? I thought until I saw the shadow of wings. It was an angel. They showed up on the street coming out of both sides of my shadow and looked just as tall as I was. I stopped and turned around to meet the eyes of a tall muscular angel with large white feather wings high in the sky. He stopped once he saw I did and floated down and touched the ground gracefully one foot at a time.
He looked directly in my eyes and sternly said, “Mr. Nathaniel Davidson?”
“That’s me,” I answered meekly.
“Follow me please.”
I was confused with so many questions: Why were we walking to a place away from heaven closer to the pearly gates? Did they find an error in the book? Was I even supposed to come in? Where is my wife? When do I meet God? Before I could think of more questions the angel turned to me and said, “Please sit down.” We entered a very small one-floor brick building that was still past the gates, but clearly separate from the rest of heaven. The room we were in was very similar to an interrogation room; no windows, one table, two chairs one side and one chair on the other. The walls were white, however, instead of grey, the table looked more like a conference table with black leather conference chairs that didn’t spin or have wheels on the bottom. It was still intimidating to sit in this room. The angel sat across the table from me in the seat to my left. He looked at my frightened face. “There is nothing to worry about Nathaniel. You’re not in any trouble. My name is Gabriel, I’ve been sent by God to offer you an –”
“I’m here, I made it.” The deep baritone voice interrupted, coming from a man entering the room. The man looked as though he were Mexican, but I wasn’t too sure, with short shiny black hair of which was made obvious he use hair gel to slick back. He wore a grey and blue pinstripe suit with a royal blue button up dress shirt and light grey tie underneath, and royal blue shoes to match. He came in with a black leather brief case in his left hand that made me feel more intimidated about being in this interrogation room. He was moderate height, looked a little shorter than me, and had this certain smirk on his face even when he wouldn’t smile.
“I see you’re taking on the form of a human this time Lucifer,” Gabriel turned to say to him as the man sat down beside him.
“Yeah, well I didn’t wanna scare the client off this time.”
“Wait, Lucifer? As in the devil?? What’s going on here?!?”
I became frantic and started to squirm backwards, but the heavy leather chair slowed me down. Gabriel shot up from his seat and put his hands up ceasing my panting. “Relax Nathaniel, relax. Yes this is the devil, but he’s not taking you to hell – well…he’s here for a reason.”
My panting stopped, but I was frozen in fear.
“What is going on?” I asked again in a very harsh tone, not taking my glare off of Gabriel. He sat back down and let out a deep breath,
“Nathaniel, you have earned your place here in heaven and you’re more than welcome to dwell here for eternity; however on one of Lucifer’s recent trips up here, he and God were
talking about you day and night. Because you are a righteous man who God finds favor in, and because you love your wife Janet very much, he wants to give you a choice: You may spend your eternity here in heaven, or you can go to hell and be with Janet.”
My heart dropped. I couldn’t believe my ears. I wouldn’t believe my ears. Now I was frozen in shock and disbelief.
“She’s where?”
It was difficult just to voice those two words. I could feel my eyes starting to tear up and my throat closing. “I’m sorry Nathaniel,” Gabriel said in a low, quiet tone. It was my fault, all my fault. Why did I get my hopes up? I should have taken her to church more, or have her pray with me and the kids every night, or at the least express why my faith was so important to me. Out of all of these regrets I had, marrying her was still not one of them. I choked back the tears before looked to meet eyes with the Devil. He finally met mine only to see my cruel, harsh glare directed right at him. He looked confused, like a child who didn’t know what he did wrong.
“Hey man, I’m not the one who’s responsible for your wife being in hell so I don’t know why you’re looking at me like that.”
“Lucifer!” Gabriel snapped at him. He let out another deep sigh, “Look, I know this is very devastating news for you. You may take as much time as you need to make this decision, but I’ll need to keep you in this building until you have an answer.” It was so much to take in and so much to consider. I would love to reside in heaven, I thought to myself, and dwell in this gorgeous place. It only makes sense to stay here, why on earth would I go to hell? But…Janet, I was never complete without the love of my life. If only I could see her just once more and make sure she’s alright, but once I see her I know I would never want to leave her. Ugh decisions, my head was beginning to hurt.
“I-I don’t know,” I didn’t even look up to answer; I just held my head with my right hand and shook my head out of frustration.
“I have a proposition for you,” the Devil stated and he stood up from his seat. I lifted my head to pay attention to whatever he had to say. Gabriel shot up from his seat lifting his heavy looking wings with him almost knocking his chair back, and faced the devil head on; he didn’t want to look up to the devil.
“What are you up to, Lucifer?” Gabriel asked as he only directed his question to him.
“Watch your wings, angel boy. I have no tricks up my sleeve, but a fair way of letting Mr. Davidson here decide.” He began to walk around the room. “It would be unfair to present him with all of this information and make him decide right now based on facts. So why don’t we give Mr. Davidson here a free trial for both places? Twelve hours in heaven spent however he’d like with whoever he’d like and twelve hours in hell spent with his wife. I will not lay a hand on him nor intervene with his experience or thought process. You have my word.”
The way he walked and talked reminded me of a lawyer, and of course his smirk didn’t help me think any different. He was well spoken and presented his case well, but it was a little too rehearsed. I couldn’t put finger on it, but it sounded too much like a good idea. What was the devil up to? I could tell Gabriel was thinking the same as I was by the pondering look on his face as he stared at one corner of the room. After about a minute he looked to the devil who was now on the opposite side of the table from him, about a foot behind me to my left.
“Alright, we’ll do it.” Gabriel then looked up at the clock that was directly behind me. I turned to look at it as well to see what time it was. It read 11:47am. “We will start exactly at noon, only if Nathaniel agrees to this.” I could feel both set of eyes looking in my direction to have some kind of answer. I couldn’t help but think I was in a position similar to Job; we were both being tested of our faith in a tragic situation created by God and the Devil. I hoped to redeem myself before God and make the right decision, although what that right decision is in question is a mystery I’d be figuring out. But all I could think about was seeing Janet’s beautiful face again, it has been far too long without her. I looked up at Gabriel, “Will I be starting my twelve hours in heaven or hell?”